The Schizophrenic Cliché
by Mikomi's Pen
Summary: Well, bascially what happens if a heckler and a bad fanfic writer get together on a fanfic. Absolutely silly. No IQ necessary.


He had always loved the sea.  
  
Actually, he had never given thought to the sea. It was actually just a tired metaphor borrowed from a game where it's a consistent symbol, applied to something else so that it loses its meaning utterly. But fanfic writers are like God only more entertaining, so we should just smile and nod.  
  
It reminded him of his mother.  
  
It so didn't.  
  
It so did. Whenever he looked out at the crystalline-  
  
Look! Look! The author is sentient after all! She can use long words and has a big word-thing!  
  
WHENEVER he looked OUT at the crystalline waves, tears would-  
  
Sissy.  
  
What?  
  
I said, "Sissy." Whenever you write about Seymour, you make him into the biggest pansy.  
  
How do you know this is about Seymour? I've only used pronouns so far!  
  
Oh, yeah. Like you'd write about any other characters.  
  
TIDUS had always loved the sea. See? Hah! I showed you.  
  
You just changed it.  
  
I so totally didn't!  
  
You so totally did!  
  
Look, do you wanna read it?  
  
Oh, no, no, no. You're doing just great. Please continue.  
  
...Um. Well...  
  
What?  
  
Well, um...Tidus had always dreamed of merging with Sin.  
  
Mmmmhmmm. As I suspected.  
  
What?  
  
It was actually about Seymour all along!  
  
No it wasn't! It's a...twisted fic! Yeah! You know, like Lulu/Tidus romances and stuff! Yeah!  
  
Does Tidus have blue hair and wear long, loose robes?  
  
Lemmee check...Um...Yes.  
  
See?  
  
It's AU!  
  
No it's not!  
  
Yes it is! Look! Now Wakka is a summoner, too! They all switch positions, and we see how their personalities affect the story!  
  
Does Wakka also wear a skirt?  
  
...Yes.  
  
And is constantly referred to as a "she"?  
  
...Sex change operation.  
  
Ah, I see. So, it's a humor fic, then?  
  
No! Plenty of respectable people have sex change operations! Like...uh... Well, there may be something that Yuna's voice actor isn't telling us, if you catch my meaning.  
  
Because you're real subtle there.  
  
Yes! Exactly.  
  
...Just continue with the story.  
  
Tidus had always dreamed of merging with Sin. Ever since he had been told of Sin, by his mother, Anima-  
  
What, he couldn't figure out that the flying greasewad destroying, I dunno, everything existed? Man, Tidus is stupid.  
  
Shut up!  
  
Make me.  
  
...Damn you! Anyway...He had always desired power.  
  
Despite what his mother had said in Baaj Temple.  
  
Um, yeah.  
  
You're an idiot.  
  
Shut up. And he knew that Sin could give that to him.  
  
Despite him being completely ignorant about Sin.  
  
Yes. Deal with it. He wanted to bring eternal peach to Spira.  
  
What?  
  
It says here. "He wanted to bring eternal peach to Spira."  
  
"Peach."  
  
Yeah.  
  
"Peach."  
  
What, I'm not allowed to make a typo?  
  
Jesus Christ, if someone gave you a typewriter and a million years and a copy of Shakespeare's plays, you'd completely rewrite them through utter error.  
  
Shut up. He wanted to end the painful spiral of death that plagued the world-  
  
By crushing them all with giant peaches?  
  
You're not nearly so funny as you think you are.  
  
No, I'm way funnier.  
  
No. You're not. It was really a merciful act that he wanted to create.  
  
Dude. You suck. "It was a merciful act he wanted to create"?  
  
Shut up. I don't see you writing anything.  
  
We'll see. If this continues, I'll have to write an ode to you.  
  
"How peaceful the peace will be!" he exclaimed.  
  
Dude. You SUCK.  
  
Shut up.  
  
I mean, using peaceful and peace in the same sentence?  
  
Hey, Seymour said it, not me.  
  
Uh-huh. You said this was Tidus speaking.  
  
Damn. I mean, I misspoke! Yeah.  
  
Uh-huh.  
  
Hey, look, asswipe. You wanna read your fanfic?  
  
Why, I think I will.  
  
Great.  
  
It was-  
  
BOOOOO!  
  
Excuse me?  
  
BOOOOOO! GET OFF THE STAGE!  
  
What stage? There is no stage.  
  
You know what I mean.  
  
No, I really don't. It was a-  
  
BOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!  
  
Hey!  
  
BOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Why, you little-  
  
Augghhh! Someone, help! Oh, god, I'm bleeding! Someone kill me. Please, end the pain! Oh, god, oh, god!  
  
Serves you right.  
  
Shut up!  
  
Do you want a knuckle sandwich?  
  
Psshht. That is like so mid-80s.  
  
...Shut up.  
  
Seriously. I thought you were good at heckling?  
  
Shut up!  
  
You stink like bleu-  
  
I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
AuggghhhhhH!  
  
AhhhhH! Oh, make it stop!  
  
"Hey, what about me?" Tidus asked.  
  
"This is pointless, ya?" Wakka asked in a high-pitched voice.  
  
"Hey, ever since that sex-change operation, Wakka, you've been cuter every day...Are you, like, interested in going out and maybe killing some stuff?"  
  
"That'd be great, ya?"  
  
And so they walked off arm in arm.  
  
  
  
Pure randomness. I hope you enjoyed. It was intended solely for stupid purposes, not meant to put anyone down. Yes, I know I'm lame at humor fics, but I'm one with my lameness, ya? 


End file.
